When 2017's New Year Day, it was a rainy day and I was at the airport. I came to Canada. I said goodbye without hugging my parents but turned around as fast as I could. I was afraid my tears would drop. I heard my mom sobbing, but I dared not look back. I never thought I would shed tears at the airport, but that day, I understood how hard it was to say goodbye without crying. At that moment, I did not know what would happen next. The first year of my international student's life was definitely full of challenges, and I was not happy at all. Nobody knew how much pressure I bore in this completely new environment, where I could barely speak English. Nobody knew and cared about my feelings. I could not understand them and I could not express my feelings. Sometimes, I even could not understand their jokes. But I did not want to be an outsider, and I followed them and laughed. I got their doubtful looks and also knew they were thinking, “Why is she laughing?” Nobody knew. Many times I wanted to escape, and just take the 10-hour flight home. I was always lonely and even desperate. Finally, in this battle, I raised the white flag, and I started to indulge myself for a long time. One day, I received a letter from my parents to expect about my future. I realized that I had kept disappointing my parents who devoted everything to me. I knew that my parents had high expectations of me. They dedicated everything to me. Shouldn't I spend my life trying to make my life more meaningful? Yes, I want to have a meaningful life and let my parents proud. Therefore, I decided to change. I started to step out of my comfort zone and talk to someone new. I tried to talk with my teachers, and they were all very patient because they knew that my English is not perfect. They gave me much encouragement and time to let me practice. I also made a few local friends. I tried to use English to tell the stories about my homeland, China. Although my English made these stories hard to understand, I received people's kind smile and approval. It seemed like life was not that hard. I said to myself, “Maybe I should be more positive and just enjoy it.” During this time, my family had been in constant contact with me, and I had been given great encouragement every time. Because of the change, I became happier and more hopeful day by day. Time passed quickly, and gradually, loneliness and nostalgia no longer afflict me. Nowadays, I feel so proud and honored with my own progress and the infinite love and support from my family. My dream is the force behind my better life. Last summer was the my first time back to China. When I went back to Canada, it was a rainy day again, just like the day when I left for the first time. It reminded me of my favourite poem by Russian poet Alexander Pushkin, “ If life cheats you, don’t be disappointed and worried. Calmness is needed in melancholy days. Believe that pleasantness is coming. Long for the bright future though you are unhappy. All will pass by and everything will be over. Past things will be pleasant memories. ” There were no tears at the airport
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Strange things happen when people realize you’re leaving a place - I feel that they immediately back away. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s a scientific human reaction. A form of self preservation. I’ve seen it and felt it so many times but now as graduation appears it all seems so real. I never thought it would be so hard leaving a place I had no desire in coming to for so many years. I’m now at the realization that most of my friendships have expiry dates. It’s a part of graduating, everyone moves away and life just happens. Some friendships last forever, but others just become strange. Someone you’ve seen every day for the last five years suddenly is gone from your life. new beginnings So how does one adequately say goodbye to the place that shaped them for so many years? Frankly, that is something I’m in the process of figuring out. Nobody wants to deal with the exhausting task and emotions of figuring out how . Victor Hunter and his words are something I think about quite often, one of my favourite quotes being on the idea of goodbye. “ Today I must say goodbye. Goodbyes are important. Without a meaningful goodbye, an effective closure, there cannot be a creative hello, a new beginning and hopeful commencement… in saying goodbye to each other and to our current ‘home’ we are able to greet and affirm new hope and anticipation. We affirmed the new journeys yet to be taken, as individuals and as a family.” I see the beauty in leaving somewhere in that it means you’re starting a new chapter - growing as a person. As humans we prefer to leave things in stand-by, just in case. Goodbyes are a very grown up thing. Not being able to turn back is painful. I’m not sure when it will hit me, whether it’s when I’m walking across the stage, cap and gown, or when I’m sitting in an empty classroom, after everyone's gone. Either way I know it’s coming and it won’t be easy. The pounding weight on my chest of what is to come, is not only holding me back but pushing me towards a new future. Something bigger and brighter. High School has taught me so much about the world, and about endings. Taught me about relationships, but made sure I had room for new ones. Reminding me that nothing is permanent, but no good thing should ever be taken for granted. And as I throw myself into my future, I’ll remember what it means to say goodbye, and how it shapes me as a person.
Emma O |
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