Growing up I was always bigger than everyone else. I was both chubby and muscular. I still remember when I went on my first diet in grade 3… It was the bernstein diet, half an apple for breakfast, salad and chicken for lunch and usually the same or maybe slightly different for dinner. I lost weight fast and was very proud of myself. After getting off the diet I started to go back into old habits and was continuously growing, so I kept seeing my weight get higher. “Why does it only go up?”, “why can’t I be skinny?”… “why can’t I be beautiful?” These are all things I started asking myself intensely by the time I was 8-9. “If you keep eating you will be the size of a house.” and “If you continue like this you will be on my 600 lb life when you're older.” are two things I vividly remember hearing that stayed engraved in my mind for years. When I started high school I had my limits. I couldn't tolerate myself anymore. I avoided looking at myself in mirrors, I avoided being in photos, I avoided dressing nice because all I wanted to do was cover how hideous I thought I was. So when Covid happened that was the perfect time for me to start dieting again. At first everything was good. I did things in a relatively healthy way. But about 3-4 weeks in I wanted things to move along faster. “Why am I not seeing the results I want?” “Why am I still so fat?” “Why do I look like a monster?”. So I decided to go more extreme, I gradually limited myself to a dangerous amount of calories per day. Another big thing that happened around that time was I discovered popular diets like the IU diet. I did this diet for 5-8(?) weeks and I can confidently say I never want to eat a sweet potato again. In addition to all of this I also developed Bulimia. I did all this on top of weight training, running, and practicing mma. I never got to a point in my journey where I was underweight but I got to a point where my metabolism and other things were starting to get very messed up. So, after starting grade 9 I decided to try and phase out of this. But I was never happy with myself, I still wondered the same things “why am I not pretty?”, “Why am I still fat?”, “Why do I look like a monster?”… So I thought starting to properly dress myself would help boost my spirits… Long story short, I'm still terrified to try on clothes and avoid clothes shopping vigorously. I never want to look at myself trying on clothes in the mirror, I never want to have to try a size up if I grab the wrong size. 9/10 of all my mental breakdowns are because of my appearance (the other 1/10 is probably math. I thought I was getting better by the time I hit grade 10… I wasn't… the same thing in grade 11… I wasn’t. And because I was always hating myself, loathing even the thought of what I look like I started binge eating which would cause me to gain more weight… and hate myself even more than I already did. I avoid taking pictures with people as much as possible, I avoid simply taking selfies of myself for the same reason… I’m ashamed and embarrassed of what I look like. If I’m taking a picture with anyone I will nitpic that photo to a point I don't consider myself an actual person. My dad loves photography and takes amazing pictures but I can look at his pictures sometimes without having to rush to say “they all look amazing, I’m just gonna run to the washroom” and then rushing to another room to cry because I don't like the way I look. I’ve let photos ruin my morning, afternoon, day, week, etc. Recently I’ve noticed just how terrible I’ve been to myself about my appearance for the majority of my life. From 8 all the way to now I have never once loved myself. In my head I’m still everything I said here plus a bunch worse. However, I want to change, I want to be proud of who I am. I want to confidently enter a store to buy clothes. I want to confidently go take 4-cuts with friends without thinking to myself “I should lose 5lb at least before we do that” or simply hope they forget the suggestion. I want to look in a mirror and smile. But at the same time I still fall back into the same mindset and still consider having my “ideal” body most important. So this cycle of hating myself will continue, but I know someday I will learn to love myself and smile when I see myself in the mirror and in pictures <3 Jane W
12 Comments
I was raised as an only child, this meant I had a lot of time on my hands. Therefore, opposed to going outside and socializing with others, I preferred to stay inside and read. This has resulted In me becoming more of an introverted person. Recently I have taken a job in retail where I am forced out of my comfort zone and have to engage with people. One habit of my introverted self that I cannot seem to get rid of is my tendency to say sorry. Even when something is not my fault I still cannot stop myself from doing it. After a while I noticed that when dealing with customers from Eastern cultures they acted embarrassed when I apologized to them for doing something rather minor and insignificant. They usually then began profusely assuring me that it was no big deal and telling me that it was okay. To me it seems that they felt as if they had committed a great offense to me. To me it seems that in Eastern cultures apologies carry a lot more weight than in Western cultures. I found this to be a very interesting concept which is why I feel compelled to write about it. The google definition of the word sorry is: “feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else's misfortune”. The second definition which applies more here is: “feeling regret or penitence”. In our Western culture “sorry” is as common of a word as “the”. We say it whether we accidentally bump into somebody or spill our drink on them. We say it so often it is hard to unlearn it. At the start of October I decided I would try to say sorry less. It was not in the manner of being rude to others by not apologizing for things I did wrong. My goal was to try to stop compulsively saying sorry. One thing that helped me significantly is pausing before responding. This helps because it gives you time to formulate an actual response opposed to just blurting out “I’m sorry”. You can also try asking a question. Sometimes we use sorry as a way to get someone’s attention. The issue with this is you may come off as passive and people may not listen to you. Instead of saying “Sorry for getting in your way”, try saying “May I move past you?” Another way you can transform “sorry” is turning it into a “thank you” statement. Instead of saying “sorry for being late”, try saying “thanks for waiting for me”. My personal favorite trick you can try is replacing sorry with another word. I usually try to replace “sorry” with “yikes”. This takes the responsibility off of you and instead just acknowledges that the thing happened. These are the methods I used to try to say sorry less. I hope these methods benefit whoever happens to need them. This website here greatly assisted me in my journey so if you are trying to do what I am taking a look at it may be a good idea.
https://www.thesaurus.com/e/ways-to-say/stop-saying-sorry/ Brody T. Between 1979 and 1981 divorce rates started going up, in 2019 research was done and discovered that 18% of kids under the age of 18 had experience separation or divorce of their parents. If you have divorced parents, you know the challenges of dealing with it; especially if you get a new family with it. I have divorced parents, I’ve had a couple of new parental figures in my life but around 8 years ago my stepmom came into my life, and she’s been with my dad since. It’s been difficult navigating my feelings towards her, I’ve had a rocky relationship with my dad and her for a while; it got particularly difficult to handle my relationship with them when my stepmom had my younger siblings. I already had so little time with my dad as it was and sometimes to me, it felt like I was losing him completely. Having these kinds of feelings with stepfamilies can get hard to deal with, and finding ways to cope with it can be challenging. Every situation can be different, but overall finding ways to cope/handle these changes can be helpful to learn how to maintain these relationships and feelings. With all that being said, these are a few methods you can use to help your situation…
Portia S. Have you ever seen the fascination that occurs when a group of people connect around a common goal? For me, teamwork has been an interesting force that has changed my life in many ways. I want to share my experiences and thoughts about the amazing power of teamwork and how it has influenced my journey in this personal blog. Power in Teamwork. I used to think that success in lacrosse/hockey came only from personal work when I originally started playing at a high level. I took great satisfaction and happiness in my ability to work independently and take on tasks by myself. But as I took on bigger and tougher projects, I came to understand that I could only do so much on my own. I realized then how powerful unity can be. When we worked as a team, I discovered that we could overcome challenges that would have been impossible for any of us to overcome by using our combined knowledge, expertise, and creativity. It soon became apparent that our combined efforts were significantly more effective than our separate contributions. Taking Note of Diversity My eyes had been opened to the beauty of diversity in teamwork. Working in a team introduced me to a wide range of experiences, viewpoints, and specialties. Differences could be difficult at first to work with, but I quickly learned to value the depth they added to our efforts. The team's varied points of view produced more comprehensive ideas, strong solutions, and well-rounded decision making. It became evident that accepting diversity sparked creativity and led to personal development for everyone involved. Communication as a Foundation A team's ability to communicate effectively is what keeps it together. My experiences being on many teams have taught me the value of respectful, honest, and open communication. We gained knowledge on how to give helpful criticism, communicate our ideas properly, and actively listen. The communication skills I developed in these collaborative environments proved to be extremely beneficial in both my personal and professional life, greatly improving my connections with friends and family. Success and Assistance Shared The mutual support and shared accomplishment that teamwork produces is one of its most beautiful aspects. There was a sense of accomplishment and togetherness when team members celebrated milestones and successes together. We were inspired to aim even higher by this fantastic energy. The team's assistance through difficult moments was also incredibly transforming. We would support one another, divide the workload, and offer encouragement when it was most required. This network of support forged a strong link that went beyond our projects. Overcoming and Adapting Through Challenges I learned how to be resilient and adaptable when faced with problems through teamwork. It's not always easy sailing, and resolving disputes and conflicts is a common part of teamwork. Nonetheless, these difficulties offered chances for improvement of one's character and abilities. As a team, we overcame challenges to fortify our determination and come out of them stronger and more intune with eachother than before. Friendships The power of teamwork to create long-lasting relationships is amazing. People develop relationships with one another when they work together on projects or share objectives that go beyond the current task at hand. Trust and friendship can be developed by sharing the highs and lows of the journey together, and these bonds frequently grow into long-lasting friendships. These connections are based on understanding gained from personal collaboration with others, mutual support, and shared experiences. The friendships we make via teamwork, whether at work, on a sports team, frequently turn out to be some of the most significant and long-lasting relationships we have, serving as a constant reminder of the positive effects of teamwork. In the end
My own experience with the transforming potential of teamwork has led me to feel that working together with people may take our experiences and accomplishments to new heights, regardless of where we are in life. My work and personal lives have been profoundly impacted by the things I've learned, including the value of communication, the strength of togetherness, the beauty of diversity, and the support and resilience we acquire. To put it simply, teamwork has altered my approach to problems and objectives. It serves as a reminder that we don't have to travel alone and that collaborating with people who share our values and purpose may be really powerful. Accept the value of teamwork, and you could discover that it has the ability to change your life. Taylor M. |
Categories
|