Growing up I was always bigger than everyone else. I was both chubby and muscular. I still remember when I went on my first diet in grade 3… It was the bernstein diet, half an apple for breakfast, salad and chicken for lunch and usually the same or maybe slightly different for dinner. I lost weight fast and was very proud of myself. After getting off the diet I started to go back into old habits and was continuously growing, so I kept seeing my weight get higher. “Why does it only go up?”, “why can’t I be skinny?”… “why can’t I be beautiful?” These are all things I started asking myself intensely by the time I was 8-9. “If you keep eating you will be the size of a house.” and “If you continue like this you will be on my 600 lb life when you're older.” are two things I vividly remember hearing that stayed engraved in my mind for years. When I started high school I had my limits. I couldn't tolerate myself anymore. I avoided looking at myself in mirrors, I avoided being in photos, I avoided dressing nice because all I wanted to do was cover how hideous I thought I was. So when Covid happened that was the perfect time for me to start dieting again. At first everything was good. I did things in a relatively healthy way. But about 3-4 weeks in I wanted things to move along faster. “Why am I not seeing the results I want?” “Why am I still so fat?” “Why do I look like a monster?”. So I decided to go more extreme, I gradually limited myself to a dangerous amount of calories per day. Another big thing that happened around that time was I discovered popular diets like the IU diet. I did this diet for 5-8(?) weeks and I can confidently say I never want to eat a sweet potato again. In addition to all of this I also developed Bulimia. I did all this on top of weight training, running, and practicing mma. I never got to a point in my journey where I was underweight but I got to a point where my metabolism and other things were starting to get very messed up. So, after starting grade 9 I decided to try and phase out of this. But I was never happy with myself, I still wondered the same things “why am I not pretty?”, “Why am I still fat?”, “Why do I look like a monster?”… So I thought starting to properly dress myself would help boost my spirits… Long story short, I'm still terrified to try on clothes and avoid clothes shopping vigorously. I never want to look at myself trying on clothes in the mirror, I never want to have to try a size up if I grab the wrong size. 9/10 of all my mental breakdowns are because of my appearance (the other 1/10 is probably math. I thought I was getting better by the time I hit grade 10… I wasn't… the same thing in grade 11… I wasn’t. And because I was always hating myself, loathing even the thought of what I look like I started binge eating which would cause me to gain more weight… and hate myself even more than I already did. I avoid taking pictures with people as much as possible, I avoid simply taking selfies of myself for the same reason… I’m ashamed and embarrassed of what I look like. If I’m taking a picture with anyone I will nitpic that photo to a point I don't consider myself an actual person. My dad loves photography and takes amazing pictures but I can look at his pictures sometimes without having to rush to say “they all look amazing, I’m just gonna run to the washroom” and then rushing to another room to cry because I don't like the way I look. I’ve let photos ruin my morning, afternoon, day, week, etc. Recently I’ve noticed just how terrible I’ve been to myself about my appearance for the majority of my life. From 8 all the way to now I have never once loved myself. In my head I’m still everything I said here plus a bunch worse. However, I want to change, I want to be proud of who I am. I want to confidently enter a store to buy clothes. I want to confidently go take 4-cuts with friends without thinking to myself “I should lose 5lb at least before we do that” or simply hope they forget the suggestion. I want to look in a mirror and smile. But at the same time I still fall back into the same mindset and still consider having my “ideal” body most important. So this cycle of hating myself will continue, but I know someday I will learn to love myself and smile when I see myself in the mirror and in pictures <3 Jane W
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