Do you have that one thing in your mind that pushes you on? That one thing forever tattooed into your mind that keeps you going, even when all you want to do is eat food and fall asleep and not have to face tomorrow. With the end of school coming up faster than I can eat McDonalds cheeseburgers and apple pies, I find myself drowning in schoolwork and just wanting to go to bed as soon as I get home. I get overwhelmed, my mind goes blank and nothing gets done. At times like this, this one thing is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going and pushing on. I must have been about 12. We had friends over for a fondue dinner and my dad was talking about my brother and sister, something about soccer and whatever they were doing. He was having a proud dad moment saying how great his kids were and when he was done I jokingly said “ya and all I do is sit on a horse”. He then said “ imagine trying to be proud of that”, that phrase slapped me right in the face and shut me up. For a long while that knocked me down and I felt like a worthless piece of shit, wasting my life. Worst of all it made me feel like my parents aren't proud of me and that my sibling were way more loved. I mean I can't blame him, I hadn't really done much to be proud of and I didn't support his favourite sports etc. Over the last couple years I have started to show my horse along with shetland ponies and different breeds of draft horses. Not to toot my own horn or anything but i'm not all that bad. Last year my dad was around for one of the shows I was showing at, he got to watch me show in many classes and I won a good many of them with my horse then with the daft horses as well. He was all excited and congratulated me warmly. I cant explicitly remember him telling me that he was proud of me but he may have, I just don't redeem, but i'll always remember that night when he implied that he wasn't. Later in the show season when I came home with six 1st place ribbons and three 2nds and a big trophy from the IPE, he was very excited and proud. So is that all it took, doing well at horse shows or a check to prove my efforts? I’m no parent but I dont think its a good thing to show your children that you will be proud of them once they have won something and only then. I believe showing your children that you love them and are proud of them no matter what place they come in to be important and ya that means actually saying it. If you're a parent or want a tip to help be a good parent, I strongly suggest reading this.
Maybe he was proud of me back then and only joking. Regardless, I work hard to do better and win more, to make him proud. I work at this as if I was trying proving him wrong, because I love proving anyone wrong and surprising people that think I can’t do something. But I guess I’m just trying to make my dad proud- just like most other kids out there, trying to prove themselves worthy and feeling like they are falling just short. I wonder if this will always be a driving force for me and if I will ever get over that time he said that, or will it always be at the top of my memories of him. Whatever it was or will be, it’s just fuel to the fire. Matthew F
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