This topic is both very relatable, and entirely unrelatable depending on how you view it. Everyone feels bad about themselves sometimes, but I’m unsure if someone can feel such a thing every waking moment. The loathing of every group photo with friends, the despair you feel when you accidentally open the self camera on your phone, the pit in your stomach walking by a reflective surface. Self loathing is a battle everyone gets in the ring with, but not everyone can land a hit against. “Smile!” your friends say as the sound you dread the most occurs, the clicking of a camera. Your picture was taken. Instead of looking at the image, you look around, why are none of them grimacing at the simple sight of themselves? Why don’t any of them plead “please don’t post that.” I give a random explanation, and they oblige, but you still feel bad. As you walk home, your mind races, “Do I always look like that? They have to look at that every day?” Is all you think about. You truly want these thoughts out of your head, all the songs on the radio, all the cartoons say everyone’s perfect just the way they are, then why don’t I feel like that? Why can’t I feel okay with how I look? “Ugh. He’s such a jerk. Why can’t I just date the right guy?” Your friend explains to the group sadly, you of course feel pity and comfort them, but an itch is at the back of your mind, “I’ll never feel that.” you shake it away, but it stays. They always get chances with people, why? What’s so different about me and them? Well for one they are actually interesting… He’s musically talented, she’s smart as they come, they have a crazy diverse skill set, the list goes on, But me? I guess I can be funny sometimes, but that’s all I have to offer. I’m the shallow end of the pool while they are the pacific ocean. I have nothing to offer in the dating world. They have tons of options, Why don't I feel like that? Why can’t I be okay with who I am? You may expect some happy ending to this little story, But this doesn’t have a happy ending. This level of self hatred is who I am, but it doesn’t define me. Whenever I feel thought’s like I’ve said, I remember all the people who look at me in the halls and wave. It isn’t everyone because cmon, I’m me. But I’ve helped people grow and become better. I’ve made positive changes and impacts on the people I’m near and I can never let myself forget that, Or it’ll be a round one knockout, And I’m not letting self hatred take me out without a fight.
Eyad Z
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