Anyone ever feel like their mind is a little too busy for comfort? Or maybe a lot too busy to function? Whether that's through daily interactions, school, work, personal care etc. that's been me the past month and a half. Exhausting I know… It also just so happens to be that time of year where seasonal depression hits a little harder than expected especially with the holidays right around the corner. I totally missed my blog date and this just happens to be part of the reason why. I'm not the type to get into too much detail but this seems to be the place to do so here we go. I hate the holidays, I know it is controversial but I do. Maybe not the holidays itself, more so that I miss spending it as a family, a whole family. It was late November, the 24th to be exact, in 2018 when my dad told my mom he wanted out. Out of their marriage, their commitment. I didn't understand it. He told us that he couldn't be a good dad and a good husband at the same time without breaking himself in the process. I remember being scared questioning if that meant he wanted nothing to do with me or my brothers. I thought I was losing my dad. In the first few days after that I helped my dad buy a new bed and move into a spare room. I clinged to every moment I could, hid my sadness because I didn't know what else to do. Within the month to my knowledge at the time he started dating his current partner. I got even angrier not understanding how he could be with someone else so quickly after leaving my mom, my family. Earlier this November I finally let all those emotions flood back in after keeping them out of reach for years trying to support my two brothers and my mom emotionally. This was the first year on November 24th that I didn't hear anything from my mom about my dad, the first year she wasn't breaking down and crying, this was the first year she seemed better. It was earlier this December that I found out that my dad in fact did cheat on my mom after years of denying it. Four days my not seem like a lot but to me it's not just the four days he was involved with another woman it's the multiple years after that, that he denied it and lied about it, it's the fact that I was the only person he told directly, it's the fact that I was the one to tell my mom that the man she has been married to for twenty years had cheated on her, the fact I told my brother the truth. I cannot even express how much anger I have built up around it. I hate what he did, I hate how much resentment I had built toward my mom thinking it was her fault. I've been spending the last month in a cycle of hate-sadness-numbness-anger and let me tell you it's exhausting. But there is also no other way than through. It is ok to let yourself feel, sometimes it can be scary to do that but it's for the best. Moving on from an experience does not exist, only learning to live with it. I still love my dad and he is still majorly involved in my life but it's also ok to still be angry. You just need to remember that your emotions, your experience is yours and it is valid. ~ E
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