Have you had such a moment when you might want to say “no”, but you still can't? Have you had such a moment when you end up saying “yes” only because you don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings, and then you feel unhappy and unpleasant? Have you had such a moment when you even try to be nice to others at the expense of yourself? For example, whenever you're asked for help, you always think about it, even if you have important work to do, even if you have to give away 2-3 hours or more for some requests, or give up sleep to catch up on your work. After a while, you may realize that this isn't helping you at all. You spend a lot of time and energy on others, but hardly as much on yourself. The situation is particularly frustrating because it is self-inflicted. So you need to learn to say “no”.
Why do we find it so hard to say “no”? To learn to say no, we must first understand what is holding us back. Here are five common reasons people find it difficult to say “no”: 1. You want to help. You don't want to turn people down. You want to offer help where possible, even if it might cost you time. This is when you need to consider that the other person may rely on you instead of learning to deal with their own problems. The short-term help you give to others actually hinders their long-term self-growth. 2. You are fear of being rude. I was brought up with the idea that it's rude to say no, especially to older people. This perception is common in Asian cultures, where saving face is important. Saving face means not making others look bad (or not making them look bad). 3. You want to appear easygoing and are afraid of conflict. If you turn them down, you worry that they will get angry. This could lead to an ugly confrontation. Even in the absence of conflict, disagreements can have negative consequences later. Thus, you choose to be submissive. 4. You are fear of losing opportunities or paying the price. Sometimes you feel that saying no to someone might annoy them and cost you some day. 5. You want to play it safe by keeping your options open. Some people take "no" as a signal to completely refuse something or somebody, thinking that doing so might lead to a "no way out" or a "break-off." If any of the above applies to you, I would like to tell you that these reasons are totally misunderstood. Saying "no" doesn't mean you're rude or that you're not easygoing. Saying "no" does not mean future conflicts or lost opportunities. Saying "no" doesn't mean you're done. These are all misconceptions in our minds. It's not the fact that you choose to say “no”, but how you say “no”, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just as everyone has their own needs. Saying "no" has to do with respecting and valuing your time and space. The language to say “no”, permission to gracefully disappoint others, strategies for setting firm boundaries that honour one’s time and energy can appear selfish at first, but they are the pivotal tools for better self-care. It's your right to say “no”. Rookie H
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Ella M |
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