Growing up I was always bigger than everyone else. I was both chubby and muscular. I still remember when I went on my first diet in grade 3… It was the bernstein diet, half an apple for breakfast, salad and chicken for lunch and usually the same or maybe slightly different for dinner. I lost weight fast and was very proud of myself. After getting off the diet I started to go back into old habits and was continuously growing, so I kept seeing my weight get higher. “Why does it only go up?”, “why can’t I be skinny?”… “why can’t I be beautiful?” These are all things I started asking myself intensely by the time I was 8-9. “If you keep eating you will be the size of a house.” and “If you continue like this you will be on my 600 lb life when you're older.” are two things I vividly remember hearing that stayed engraved in my mind for years. When I started high school I had my limits. I couldn't tolerate myself anymore. I avoided looking at myself in mirrors, I avoided being in photos, I avoided dressing nice because all I wanted to do was cover how hideous I thought I was. So when Covid happened that was the perfect time for me to start dieting again. At first everything was good. I did things in a relatively healthy way. But about 3-4 weeks in I wanted things to move along faster. “Why am I not seeing the results I want?” “Why am I still so fat?” “Why do I look like a monster?”. So I decided to go more extreme, I gradually limited myself to a dangerous amount of calories per day. Another big thing that happened around that time was I discovered popular diets like the IU diet. I did this diet for 5-8(?) weeks and I can confidently say I never want to eat a sweet potato again. In addition to all of this I also developed Bulimia. I did all this on top of weight training, running, and practicing mma. I never got to a point in my journey where I was underweight but I got to a point where my metabolism and other things were starting to get very messed up. So, after starting grade 9 I decided to try and phase out of this. But I was never happy with myself, I still wondered the same things “why am I not pretty?”, “Why am I still fat?”, “Why do I look like a monster?”… So I thought starting to properly dress myself would help boost my spirits… Long story short, I'm still terrified to try on clothes and avoid clothes shopping vigorously. I never want to look at myself trying on clothes in the mirror, I never want to have to try a size up if I grab the wrong size. 9/10 of all my mental breakdowns are because of my appearance (the other 1/10 is probably math. I thought I was getting better by the time I hit grade 10… I wasn't… the same thing in grade 11… I wasn’t. And because I was always hating myself, loathing even the thought of what I look like I started binge eating which would cause me to gain more weight… and hate myself even more than I already did. I avoid taking pictures with people as much as possible, I avoid simply taking selfies of myself for the same reason… I’m ashamed and embarrassed of what I look like. If I’m taking a picture with anyone I will nitpic that photo to a point I don't consider myself an actual person. My dad loves photography and takes amazing pictures but I can look at his pictures sometimes without having to rush to say “they all look amazing, I’m just gonna run to the washroom” and then rushing to another room to cry because I don't like the way I look. I’ve let photos ruin my morning, afternoon, day, week, etc. Recently I’ve noticed just how terrible I’ve been to myself about my appearance for the majority of my life. From 8 all the way to now I have never once loved myself. In my head I’m still everything I said here plus a bunch worse. However, I want to change, I want to be proud of who I am. I want to confidently enter a store to buy clothes. I want to confidently go take 4-cuts with friends without thinking to myself “I should lose 5lb at least before we do that” or simply hope they forget the suggestion. I want to look in a mirror and smile. But at the same time I still fall back into the same mindset and still consider having my “ideal” body most important. So this cycle of hating myself will continue, but I know someday I will learn to love myself and smile when I see myself in the mirror and in pictures <3 Jane W
12 Comments
Melina
11/6/2023 01:49:24 pm
I found your blog relatable in the sense that I also struggle to lose weight because the health problems I faced when I was 7. I tried so hard to love my self over the years and after reaching that point I felt more confident. I hope you find your way too:)
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Sunsia
11/6/2023 01:51:28 pm
Girl ur literally gorgeous dont even… anyways in all seriousness i can guarantee you that u look amazing in all the outfits you wear. Ur hairs perfect ur fits are always 10/10. I rarely say compliments cuz i have my own issues but i just wanted to use this as an opportunity to say that ur one of the most gorgeous person ive met. Dont be so harsh on yourself and i hope u could see urself the way others see you. Lets go shopping soon 🫶
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Mateo
11/6/2023 01:51:58 pm
This really hit home for me Jane, I have struggled with body image a lot throughout high school and have thought very similar things. This really made me feel seen and like I'm not the only one focusing so much on this, it really does affect someone. I think it's so brave of you to talk about this in your blog and I hope both you and I can reach that point of confidence and love for our bodies that you talk about <3
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Taylor
11/6/2023 01:53:44 pm
I really connect to certain things that you said in this blog, I've definitely struggled with this in the past and it can really mess with your head. I believe that things will get better with time but you explained all of the little things so well. This was an amazing blog!
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Em
11/6/2023 01:53:49 pm
going through this must not be easy and it must feel very isolating. poor self esteem is no walk in the park. I honestly never would have guessed that you struggle so much with it as I have always seen you as a strong, confident and beautiful individual inside and out. always here if you need a chat :)
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Jsnvi
11/6/2023 01:54:54 pm
I see myself relate to this blog. I am so sorry that you had to go through all this, but I adore how you are changing your frame of mind towards this topic.
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Logan
11/6/2023 01:57:09 pm
This was incredibly brave of you to to share this, and as a person that has struggled with my weight until very recently i cannot fathom the will power it took to write this i am always trying to push that topic as far away as possible and you challenged it head on. you are a truly courageous person and just writing this shows how wonderful of person you are inside and out
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Rosetta
11/6/2023 01:58:26 pm
I'm so sorry you've been through so much, you don't deserve any of that. I'm so glad that you're changing your mindset and that I hope you reach your goal.
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sarah
11/6/2023 02:03:03 pm
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. That's a very touching subject and no one deserves to feel that way. I myself have hated how I look in pictures and now but more so when I was younger, I would look at others and think why couldn't I look like that? and would feel whenever I ate I would gain so much weight. This is very brave of you to share your story and I hope that one day you can be completely confident in your body because you are beautiful.
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Jaden
11/6/2023 02:03:19 pm
I think everybody in this world also have been thinking like that 'why I am not pretty or handsome than others'. In fact, everyone is never going to be perfect with the appearance and other parts of you. SO you gotta see how you are wonderful as to be yourself, not comparing to others. I think comparing myself to others is the worst thing you can do to yourself.
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Nishan
11/6/2023 02:04:30 pm
You are very brave to share this story you did a great job of sharing what it really feels like to go through this ,even though I never went through this type of challenge reading your blog really made me feel the pain and the emotions you were going through, it was also very inspiring how you decided to change your mindset towards the situation.
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bailea
11/6/2023 02:07:09 pm
this is such a hard and truly ruthless experience to go through, and can take others years to even mention to a friend or family member, let alone write into words. the way you described it and put it into words is exceptional. there is huge attention to detail and you use incredible ways to really put into perspective how much pain this experience has caused you. there was not one second of this blog that i wasn’t completely captivated. i am so terribly sorry that this is something you have been struggling with, thank you so much for sharing your story.
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